Sam,
This might be the first time I’ve written to you through a letter besides that time in seventh grade when I wrote you that letter about how I had a crush on that girl you had that middle school “relationship” thing with. I can’t even remember her name. So you should probably mark this as one of those special times when your best friend writes you a letter. It’s special, no?
I’m going to try and get straight to the point, but I want you to know that you’re really important to me, Sam. And that means that it’s really important that you see and understand where I’m coming from and why I’m doing what I am doing- because I feel like there’s nothing else that I could do. (All of this will make sense once I stop beating around the bush).
I think it’s great that you are having a good time at school. If you are doing something that makes you happy, then I think that’s a great thing. Not enough people do what makes them happy, which is sort of what I’ve been figuring out lately. And I think that to a certain extent, I’ve been one of those people. I feel like all through high school I did what I needed to get by. I wasn’t really a spectacular student. I did alright, though- it’s not like I really got bad grades. But I feel like I wasn’t really applying myself because there was nothing that I felt was worthwhile enough to spend the time and energy applying myself to it, you know? I think you already kind of know this. We’ve talked about stuff like this here and there over the years, so I guess you probably have a good grasp already on where I feel like I’m coming from.
Here’s the thing, dude…lately I’ve needed to make some life decisions that are pretty important. I made my first one by going to school in the city, and that’s where I went wrong. So I’ve made a few decisions since them. I haven’t been going to school for a while, actually. I can’t do it anymore. Each day, I’ve gone out somewhere and done things that have really made me feel alive, and more importantly, things that make me appreciate feeling that way. It’s something that I don’t think a lot of people do (but maybe more people should).
I worked myself into a rut with college. I shouldn’t have gone in the first place, and I definitely know I can’t go back. At least, not at this point in my life. Maybe one day I will decide that college is the best thing for me, but for now, I feel that college is a bad place for me to be in. In school, I’m wasting my life. Each hour I sit in class is one hour that I could be doing something that really matters, something that makes me gain a new perspective on life or maybe understand some new emotion that I’ve never felt before, or a familiar emotion that I could be feeling in a completely new way.
A while back, shortly after I stopped going to school, I went to the city and instead I picked flowers for Gretchen. There were so many of them- they all looked completely different, up close. You never really notice how unique dandelions are until you have about two hundred of them and you can see how different each one is. I had enough dandelions for each path that I could take in my life. You might think that picking two hundred dandelions was a waste of time, especially considering I could have been going to school. But I seriously disagree. Picking those flowers was a beautiful experience, and so was giving them to Gretchen. I would never give that up.
I know that everybody needs a plan. I know that that’s what you would say to me if you were hear and I was telling you this in person. Until recently, college was my plan. What I was going to do in college was (and still is) completely beyond me. I had no idea why I was there- there really wasn’t anything I wanted to learn there. But now that I’m out of school, I’m noticing how many opportunities there are for me.
I think I want to be a writer. I’ve written stories all my life and it’s always something that’s made me feel really good about myself. I think it’s important to feel good about myself. You’ve always encouraged me when I’ve shared my writings with you, and everyone always tells me that my stuff is good. I decided to trust them and think that maybe they’re right.
Without college, I could really do something with my life. I could travel the country, or even the world, and gain new understandings and inspirations that I never could have gotten from a classroom or a lecture hall. It seems to me that if I stayed in college, I could come out with a job and a really stable life and that would be it. But as a writer, I have the potential to be remembered forever. I know that I probably won’t, but I don’t care- it’s how you believe in yourself, and what you think you are capable of that really matters, and I really think I could make a difference with my writings. If the only things tying me down in life were the things that I specifically chose to tie me down and keep me grounded, I think I would feel freer than I ever have in my whole life.
The thing is that recent events in my life have made me question what I really think about it. Finding Elliott in the park was huge. I know it might make you uncomfortable reading this, but I think it’s something necessary to understand where I’m coming from. I’ve thought a lot about what I think Elliott must have thought about life, or at least, what I would have thought about life if I were in his shoes. Thinking these thoughts has made me see so many things in so many new ways. Sometimes I think that if the way our lives are run wasn’t so strict and rigid, maybe your brother would have imagined more of what he was capable of, and felt more inclined to pursue what he thought he could make with his life, instead of pursuing what he could end with his death.
This is something that I know I need to do. I need to be free, and I know that some people are free in college and with stable careers, but I don’t think that I would feel that way, at least not at this point in my life. I think instead about how cool it would be to do something like hop trains across the States, or travel in
Please call me and talk to me about whatever you are feeling when you have finished this letter. I want to talk to you about it and make sure that you understand what it is I’m trying to say.
Thanks for being such a great friend for my whole life. I love you, Sam, and I feel really privileged to say that. Seriously.
Talk to you soon,
Your crazy friend,
Justin
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